"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." Paulo Coelho.

We come into this world with all that we need to fulfill our life’s purpose. Simply put, we are born with all the essential elements for a fulfilling life. Although I spent most of my life believing that I was born in sin and shaped in iniquity, I now know that there was nothing about the essence of who I am that was/is immoral, unrighteous, or just plain BAD. I believe that everybody is born with a spiritual connection and inherent goodness that guides them through life. We are all equipped with the potential for a good life, but somewhere along the way, the truth of who we are gets lost in the pursuit of becoming all that society says we are supposed to be. It begins with our family of origin where we learn our core values, beliefs, relationship patterns, communication styles, how to handle emotions, gender roles, power dynamics, and coping mechanisms. It continues as we proceed through formal education systems that may inadvertently reinforce societal norms and expectations. We will continue to move further and further away from who we truly are until we either stop trying to live up to others’ expectations, decide to disrupt the programming and actively challenge and dismantle deeply ingrained beliefs, or die. Truth be told, I am not trying to get to the end of this life to realize that I let others dictate how I was supposed to live my life. I did this for nearly four decades because I feared going against established norms,patterns, and conditioning. However, in my quest to live life to the fullest, I have had to “un-become” and continuously let go of false beliefs that do not affirm who I truly am or support a fully lived life.

The dictionary definition of “unbecoming” is “(of behavior) not fitting or appropriate; unseemly.” When I use the term “un-become,” I mean “un” as the reverse of, and become as begin to be. To “un-become” in this sense means to reverse the things you have become. Not everything in our being, needs to be reversed, but there are some things that we pick up along the way that do not support the truth of who we are; false beliefs, other people’s opinions about us, other people’s expectations, etc. These are the things that we have to reverse. These are the things that we have to “unbecome” if we truly want to live fully and authentically. “Un-becoming” does not happen overnight. It is a process, a stripping away of sorts. I began this process by asking myself what I thought was a very simple question. “Who am I?” What I soon realized was that this question was not that simple. I could not answer it without describing a role (wife, mother, foster parent, daughter, sister, teacher, etc.) or an accomplishment (degrees, certifications, positions, etc.), or an interesting fact about myself like I was born in a car or I write poetry. Who am I without the roles, accolades, and interesting facts? That my friends, is the question that I continually seek to answer. The clearer I get about who I am, the more I realize my enoughness, the less I feel I have to do, or become, or accomplish, and the more authentic this journey called life becomes for me.

It may have taken me almost 1/2 a century to get here, but now that I AM here, there is no turning back. I AM unapologetically fully living my most authentic life, NOW! Allow me to reintroduce myself. I AM Toya. I AM good. I AM enough. I AM empathic. I AM creative. I AM a lover. I AM lovable. My roles and accolades may change, but the core of who I am will not. I AM the beloved of God and She is well pleased.

Friend, I encourage you to ask yourself the same questions. Who are you? I am not talking about who you are according to familial ties, society’s expectations, religious indoctrination, group affiliations, or even the inner-critic inside your head (More on that later). Who are you without the roles and accolades? Who are you at the core of your existence? It is my prayer that as you sit and ponder these questions, you will realize that you are and have always been more than enough just as you are.